Which Dior era girl are you? Gianfranco Ferré (Group 1), John Galliano (Group 2), or Bill Gaytten (Group 3)?
Group 1 cards: [Overarching theme] Ancient, Hope, Hunter. [Love] 3 of Pentacles (reversed), Queen of Pentacles, Ace of Cups (reversed), 9 of Wands. [Love clarifier] Faith. [Work] The World (reversed), Death, 10 of Pentacles, The Hermit (reversed). [Work clarifier] A Moment
Message: Real talk – holding things back is not going to make you feel at ease. Just ask your fart. Mawma, it’s a new year and the energy in January is about releasing yourself to get what you deserve. For some of y’all, there’s been something you’ve suppressed for a long time and have been mulling over if you should pursue what it is your heart desires. For others, you’ve been cooking up some shit that you are waiting for the right time to show to the world. Bitch, dafuq you waiting for? This is your moment. This month, channel your inner hunter and let slip the dogs of war. Geddit, gurl!
Uggh. Lemme tell you a story. Like, I’ve had extensive recurring fantasies about Martin Cummins (aka the hot DILF sheriff on Riverdale) and was like so sure the feeling is mutual so I camp out at his house with my wedding gown on cause I thought it was a sure thing. It didn’t turn out how I expected and I got a restraining order, but the point is, if you don’t do shit, you won’t know shit.
On the love front, for some of y’all I see a lot of work has been put in for a relationship to work but it’s not growing as you’d hope it to be. Perhaps the love if fizzling? Maybe it wasn’t meant to be more than you want it to be? Is it cause of differences in life philosophy? Is it getting stagnant? Things are feeling more like a chore than actually, you know, working towards a loving future. Is it really love if it’s reduced to nothing more than routine two people do together when they’ve declared themselves as a couple? Sis. Pause and reflect. Bitch if you need more of a wakeup call, the 9 of Wands is calling you out. If love is a battlefield, mawma time to reflect on battles of the past: Do you consider it a win, or a loss?
Here’s where the Queen of Pentacles comes with her wisdom: look deep and ask yourself if it’s worth keeping or better to cut your losses?
For singles, bitch I’mma level with you here – your approach to love is not working out for you, henny. Uggh. The Queen of Pentacles is asking you to reflect on your intuition on what works and what doesn’t. Do you go apeshit and send 200 text messages because he didn’t reply to you within 1 minute? Do you allow the trauma of past relationship with Tanner affect all other relationships you’ve had since? Are you actively pushing people when they get too close? Gurl. How the hell you gon’ love somebody else if you can’t love yourself?
For some of y’all January is going to be the start of a transformative career ahead. And if you’re a certified DILF, uggh hit me up, zaddy!
If you’ve been experiencing delays in some of your projects, Death is about to slay those obstacles from your path, sis. I can’t with this energy. Uggh. It’s like so powerful, like I need to rest and meditate on it for like 3 hours or something. Like it’s so intense.
Success is on its way and with it, you can forget about having some alone time cause you’ll be pulled left, right and centre when you finally get recognised for your effort. See, it’s that hunter energy I was telling y’all about.
Sure you probably won’t be resting much. But whatever pocket of time you have, take a moment to appreciate what the universe has presented you with. Be thankful. Be happy. Be gay. Or something.
Decks: Les Vampires, Vintage Wisdom Oracle, Raven’s Wand Oracle, Rider Waite Tarot, Bruegel Tarot
Group 2 cards: [Overarching theme] Rare, Raw, Real, Pinhead Punchinello, Confetti. [Love] Queen of Pentacles, 8 of Swords (reversed), The Star, King of Swords (reversed). [Love clarifier] A Leg Up. [Work] 8 of Cups, Ace of Cups (reversed), King of Wands (reversed), The Fool (reversed). [Work clarifier] Downcast Pride.
Message: Miss Honey, I got one word for you, gurl: bareback. No, not taking strangers’ loads at the back of a dark room with no protection. January calls for you to strip down all the unnecessary baggage and what doesn’t fit into your goals anymore. You’re good enough and you’re all you need to sail through January.
If you’re bogged down by many ideas and tasks at hand, the Pinhead Punchinello is asking you to focus on the bare essentials before you’re stretched thin with a thousand different directions with no end in sight. Do you have too many options and am unsure of which is the right one? Go retro up on this bitch and list down the pros and cons of each choice and see what works for you the best to move things forward without delays. And where it counts, take the time to appreciate every successful step you take, cause rewarding good choices will cultivate solid groundwork for the months ahead.
In love, some of y’all may need to cut the cord from an unhealthy relationship. Sis, there’s a difference between consensual BDSM and verbal abuse kink and actual abusive relationships. If you’re with someone who’s draining your energy and it’s having an impact on your career and productivity, time to hand him that pink slip, mawma.
Is it love if it always comes at the expense of your personal growth? Is it healthy to have someone a little bitter of the successes you’ve accumulated for yourself? Do you have to feel that you’re sinning for loving your work too much and be made to feel like shit for it? Ask yourself if you’re a willing participant in trapping yourself in this situation. You’ll do fine if you’re looking for a way out. The Star is shining on you.
For some of y’all, it’s a little less dramatic. Perhaps work is taking a toll on your love life and you find some comfort in someone who can pull you out of a rut.
For singles, after you get over your issues and jump back into the dating pool, a walking dildo will enter your life. Ooh gurl, can he talk dirty. You’d be texting with him and shit and you’ll be like “Gurl, why my pussy moist?” Uggh. Like enjoy it. It probably won’t last. I dunno. Like, enjoy it for what it is for now. I guess we’ll see what happens next month. Dafuq do you expect bitch? This is a general group reading for one month. Uggh. I can’t with this sense of entitlement.
The Clarifier card for love is asking you to take a break from being a strong independent woman who needs no man. Calm down, Beyonce. Yes, you don’t need no man. But sis, a good dicking makes everything good feels so much better. You don’t have to go it alone if you’re single. Come on, now. And if you’re trapped in a relationship and find it hard to leave, tap on your sisters for emotional and psychological support. We’re all here for you.
OK. I’ll say it like it is for work. Some of y’all may be looking to walk away from your current workplace. But baby it ain’t happenin’, lawd jesus. And you know I’m being serious cause I’m starting to sound like I’m black.
A good, emotionally fulfilling opportunity isn’t going to come by, and if an offer comes through, you’ll learn that it’s not what is going to make you feel satisfied. A new adventure has to wait another month, sis.
For some of y’all, your job is doing just fine, but you’re itching to see what’s out there on the other side. Take the time in January to reassess your priorities and what you need that your current job isn’t providing for you. Then make the proper legwork to prep your departure if it comes to that. I see stagnancy, boredom, and excess baggage that takes a toll on you beyond what the work entails.
Perhaps it’s time to reset your mindset. What project can you insert yourself in to reignite the passion you once had in your job? Think about exactly when you stopped taking risks and played it safe? If your issue is just feeling blergh, then bitch look at your bank account and ask yourself: “Can a bitch survive with $32 if I quit my steady paying gig to pursue my dreams of becoming an interpretive dancer?”. If the answer is no, then sis. No. Uggh, it’s not that hard.
Decks: Divine Circus Oracle, Tarot of Haunted House, Wisdom of the Oracle, Bianco Nero Tarot, Dark Mirror Oracle Cards
Group 3 cards: [Overarching theme] To the Sea, A Change in the Wind, Chaos and Conflict. [Love] Queen of Wands, Wheel of Fortune, Ace of Wands (reversed), 3 of Pentacles. [Love Clarifier]
Message: In the words of Ms Aretha Franklin, baby, a change is gonna come. Whether you like it or not. But why wouldn’t you? It’s January of a new year. 2020, sis. Time for clearer vision for the year ahead.
Sometimes we feel like pawns in life’s game. Bitch who is you to fight the universe? Sometimes the universe shakes things up because it is what your soul needs for growth. Step yo pussy up, bitch. Take this time to instill some order into your life. Do it like Littlefinger, see chaos as a laddah. Embrace upheavals and changes. You’ll thank the universe later.
On the love front, some of y’all have been hoeing hard for a while now. Sis, get ready to start a new chapter in your fairytale. If you’re ready to retire your hoe pumps and settle down, I do see a good growth potential for y’all. But that don’t mean you can’t enjoy sex as before. It’s all in your mind. Just cause you trade in a revolving door of dicks for just one, doesn’t mean your libido has to suffer. Spice things up like role-playing. Like, you can be the Ukrainian mail order bride and he can be the president of the United States! Uggh. Have fun! The important thing is your relationship is on a solid path. Enjoy it. Embrace it.
For others, your luck in relationship is about to end one cycle and stepping up to the next phase. Sure, you can’t see it now. Perhaps you’re not even putting in effort. Maybe there’s a delay in bridging the connection. Is it pure laziness? Lack of passion to connect? Your BoB (battery operated boyfriend) is doing just fine making you squirt? Remember that we have free will. We don’t always have to be stuck in the same old routine. To progress in love, you gotta put in the work and if you do, you’ll be surprised at the foundation you’re laying for love. Maybe not this month, but someone is taking notice for sure.
Are you ready to jump? Yes Madonna, we is! Uggh. I can’t with how positive work is for you this month. Time for a change? Bitch you got it. Weighing that option to hop on over to the competitor’s side? The universe has your back.
For some of y’all, change may be pushed upon you. Have no fear. Transformation is what the universe ordered. Sis, when one door closes, another one opens. If you’re looking for a validation that the move is a right one, bitch you got it. Not only will you step yo pussy up, bitch you’ll be leveling yo pussy up and feel incredibly fulfilled in the process.
Brush off that doubt cause the Magician card is saying you have exactly what it takes to pull this off.
If you’re not jumping ship, your present organization will still provide growth and transformation. New things new role. New skills. Chaos is laddah. Climb the fuck up.
Decks: Wisdom of the Oracle, Santa Muerte Tarot, Rider Waite Tarot, Les Vampires, Divine Circus Oracle