Are my flappy labias problematique?

Are you a Conch (Group 1), Flowing Gown (Group 2), or a Dumbo (Group 3)?

Decks: Tarot of Haunted House, Sufi Wisdom Oracle, The Wild Unknown Archetypes

I’ve got tons of messages (not really but just play along) from college girls who are worried about their lady bits. They’d email/dm/send telepathic messages to me saying: “M! Help a sister out! There’s this guy I’m like totally into but my pussy is not like those girls in porn. Like will he still wanna eat me out like a starving college kid at a free-for-all buffet? Uggh I literally can’t with the suspense. Please enlighten us with your wisdom. You’re our savior.” So I channeled my spirit guide, Anna May Spacek, to help me deliver the answers these college girls are looking for.

To finely tune to the messages of the universe, I’ve placed the cards next to a very magickal item that has helped me vibrate on a higher frequency.

These can also apply to other perceived physical flaws. Keyword is perceived.

Love & Light.

Group 1 Cards: Star (reversed), 2 of Pentacles (reversed), Knight of Pentacles (reversed), Apocolypsis, The Village, Beyond the Ego, Simple Pleasures

Messages: Well, Barbara, I dunno what to tell you. Your flappy labia is definitely a problem for him/her/them (I’m an inclusive and progressive reader and I will never assume your partner’s gender). 

Like I get it that you’ve been hoping that the 37th boyfriend/girlfriend/partner will finally be the one to overlook silly thing like a Manta ray-esque labia, but they be bothered, and just as you want someone to love you for who you are, you gotta accept them for who they are. 

The Star and 2 of Pentacles tell me that they tried but they just can’t handle the situation down there. They have a specific idea of a view they’d like to see when they eat you out and the image in their mind just don’t fit the pursed lips you’ll be presenting in front of them. 

Apocolypsis paired with The Village indicate that you’re probably in denial, sis. I get it. Once, I dated a blind guy I met off Hornet and he was “strictly Masc4Masc” and bitch, lemme tell you, I put on my best straight-acting voice to con this motherfucker for 6 months, but then my Spotify betrayed me by playing Mariah Carey’s It’s Like That and I yelped “yass gurl, it’s like that, henny!” And that was the end of it, sis.

My point is, the cards are saying that you may try to delude yourself that given the right situation, their love will change their mind about your flaws; maybe if the lights are dim enough, or if he’s drunk enough, or if you pretend to be an orthodox jew and fuck through a hole in a bedsheet – then he’ll overlook it and love me for me. 

Give it up, sis. The oracle cards are saying that you deserve someone else who may enter your life and enjoy burying their face between your flappy labia. But to transform from this painful episode, you gotta surrender your ego. Know that the universe is a total bitch and may teach you painful lessons along the way and you gotta embrace the lessons that bitch puts in front of you.

But first, you gotta do what philosophers of yesteryears and basic ass bitch law-of-attraction influencers on instagram keep repeating: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gon’ love somebody else? Give up the con job and start manifesting a positive love. The kind of love who’ll stand by you even if your labias are sagging to your knees. 

Group 2 Cards: Ace of Wands (reversed), Ace of Cups (reversed), Magician, Agape, The Seed, Return to Joy, Speak Up

Messages: Well, well, well, Katie. Aren’t you a lucky little bitch. Here’s the tea: the fears you have about your flappy lips – it’s in your fucking head, cunt. Get over yourself. Uggh. I literally can’t with you!! 

There’s a ritual I’d like you to perform to make this manifestation come true: step 1, make a fist. Step 2, punch yourself in the gut. Step 3, say this out loud: “I will not be a stupid cunt no mo. No ma’am, I say no mo!”. 

Yes your pussy dried up so fast when a guy makes a move and it’s not cause you are a prude. You know the reason why you’ve been keeping your lady bits to yourself is cause you’re deeply insecure. Gurl. Snap out of it and know that you’re letting the insecurity getting in the way of orgasmic Pleasures. The Ace of Wands and the Ace Cups both in reversed position next to the Magician tell me that you’ve been denying yourself intimate connections because you think you don’t deserve it. But guess what, Mimi – you do!

The Magician card suggests that you got the goods bitch. What you selling, he’s buying. Unlike the other basic ass Kens looking for a Barbie-perfect pussy, he sees pussies as unique handcrafted works of art. He’s a man of culture this one. 

The Agape card is telling you to chill the fuck out and put others before yourself. Your fears are taking up too much space in your mind and realize that attraction requires cooperation. If you keep pushing him away, how the hell is he gonna eat you out? The Seed is saying this is a new beginning for you, sis. Delete your old self and embrace your flappy vagina self. Your worries are just that. Worries. And they’re not an accurate representation of how he feels towards your body and perceived flaws. It’s time to cultivate a healthier approach to how yous ee your body. 

Now that you know the truth, Return to Joy is asking you to stop panicking and start hoeing. Now, be brave cause Speak Out card is saying its time to call him over, lift that skirt and let those lips flap in the air cause your man will be the winds beneath your wings. 

Group 3 Cards: Tower, Wheel of Fortune, 3 of Wands, The Father, The Mask, Accepting Challenges, Self- Creation

Messages: OK. Stop panicking. He took one look at those lips and he fled. I know it’s tough but hey, that’s life, Katarina. 

The Tower with the Wheel of Fortune tell me that some shit went down and it made you doubt yourself. Did he run because he genuinely forgot that he had a supper appointment with his 95yo grandmother, Miriam? Or was that a convenient excuse so as to not hurt your feelings? 

SIS WAKE UP! Your labia is just too intense for him right now. Omfg. Like, get a hint, gurl. You can delete those wedding vision boards you’ve been pinning on Pinterest cause he ain’t staying. That relationship is one cycle of your life that is completed and you need to move the fuck on. 

When you actually move the fuck on, then will you find spiritual growth. Who needs him anyway? Like he’s so overrated. A poet-barista-mime with a penchant for folk music? Uggh. Like gross. You can do better. Move on so you can find someone better for you. 

The Father card suggests being devastated by failure. But this isn’t a failure on your part. It is what it is and you gotta respect that. You don’t want him to change you so why should you expect him to change for you? The Mask indicates that he finally shows his true character and it’s not what you hoped for. Aren’t you glad it’s all over and done with? Now you’re free to share your flappy labia with someone who truly loves your unique parts. 

Accepting Challenge card is asking you to realize that you have the strength to move on and pick up the pieces left behind by your rampaging flappy labia. Do you believe in life after love? Cher sure thinks so. The Self-Creation card now asks you to write a new chapter in your life given this new transformation of thoughts. You’ll be fine. 

Alternatively, you can go for a vaginoplasty cause the cards indicate changing yourself after a devastating reveal may also be an option. I mean if it bothers you so much then do what you think is right. I can’t with you putting this responsibility on me like I’m fucking Jesus or something. God. I can’t with you, Katarina. 

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