Which Real Housewives of New York City are you? Sonja Morgan (Group 1), Tinsley Mortimer (Group 2), or Bethenny Frankel (Group 3)?
Decks: Santa Muerte Tarot, Sufi Wisdom Oracle, Archetype Cards
Group 1 cards: 8 of Swords, Knight of Wands, Turn Over a New Page, Queen
Keywords: Stand out from the rest. Benevolent authority. Start fresh. Difference in opinion. Self-imposed limitations. Full steam ahead. Trust your intuition. Don’t hold back
Message: Nothing ruins your mood than seeing your ex at a club with a fresh twink. With his smooth skin, high tight ass – uggh sometimes you literally can’t. But before you slink away in shame and self-hate, remember that a KWEEN is forever. A twink expires when they’re like 23. Let that bitch have his moment. You’re a strong, independent power bottom with a well-worn hole, sis. Like stop doubting your appeal. Down that tequila. Kylie is on. Bitch flop yourself to the dance floor and twirl, mawma. Yass bitch. Twirl! They’re laughing at you but who cares bitch! You’re a dancing KWEEN tonight, hunty Yass! And what’s this? That hot vers top is totally noticing you. You made a bad situation your own moment and nothing can destroy you. Uggh, your mind. It’s like so powerful, I can’t!
Group 2 cards: 5 of cups (reversed), 9 of Swords (reversed), Energy of Love, Hermit
Keywords: Sensitivity. Self-improvement. Self-awareness. Admitting to one’s shortcomings. Empathy. Unbalanced emotions
Message: ‘I woke up to the voice of my personal assistant, Anastasia, telling me how iconique I look in the morning and what a loving and considerate person I am. Then as I was savoring my breakfast of kale, raspberry and soy smoothie, my phone vibrated – incoming messages from my ex who I keep a healthy and open communication with. As I appreciate the sunrise from my bedroom window, I think to myself, “Wow, my life is like totally amazing and stuff and like I can do nothing wrong in this world. How am I this perfect? ” ’
An excerpt from Delusions and Lies I Told Myself This Week: A Memoir by Me.
Group 3 cards: Queen of Cups, 5 of Swords, Transformation, Healer (reversed)
Keywords: Emotional maturity. Don’t be a dick. Short term win for long term losses. Exert your free will. Embrace kindness. Swallow your ego
Message: Take several seats, Topanga. This week can like that bitch, Becky, getting all up on your business and ruining your day. But like Tinsley Mortimer throwing a fit and not showing up for RHONY reunion, being a total bitch is only gonna make you look super bad. When shit hits the fan this week, do it like Taytay and shake it off.