Weekly Pick-a-Card Messages [Jan 6 – Jan 12]

Which Mariah Carey era are you? Columbia Records era (Group 1), Virgin Records era (Group 2), or Island Records era (Group 3)

Decks: Archangel Power Tarot Cards, Sibilla Della Zingara, Moonology Oracle Cards

Group 1: Meat clowns, this one’s for you: Stubbornness regarding issues of a man that has left will not do you any good and will keep your thoughts spiralling into negativity. He has moved on and declared himself single again. Take a hint, kween. It’s over. PERIODT. You’ll probably get a confirmation on that issue this week.

For some of you this week will see unexpected financial assistance coming your way, but it’ll be a modest amount, so resist the urge to splurge. No sugar daddy on your radar this time, sis. Delete that Ferragamo Gardena sneakers from your cart and wait until your finances are in order. 

Issues of uncertainty regarding a situation that has been in the back of your mind will take precedence this week. First of all whore, if it’s about the man who’s ghosted you, have some dignity and move on because the universe is asking you to be at peace with the outcome. No dick can complete you. Chill with your friends. Watch Messiah on Netflix and rub one out to the super hot Wil Traval (uggh so hot, omg, I can’t – I jerked off to him like 4 times already) as your cry yourself to an orgasm. Anything.

If there are about insecurities at work, shit’s not gonna fix itself with you moping around all week. Take a breather and think about how you plan on undoing Susan’s political machination that has set back your career progression – the stars are totes shining on you right now. Call your squad to end that bitch’s entire career.

The stars are literally saying this week is a time to grab the bull by its kahonas and own that bitch. Confidence is a must. This fucking week take shit from nobody, wear your 6-inch heels to the office and so those heffas will know that they are not on your level. Werq.

Group 2: Let the healing begin! No seriously, your cards are calling you out with the doctor reversed (Sibilla Della Zingara) and the Moonology card that literally says it’s a time for healing. Before you can heal, clearly you must first be afflicted with some malady – so get ready to get your ass kicked by the universe this week. It’s just the universe’s way of making you wake up to your reality, sis. Get with the programme.

For some of you, something that you perceived to be a good thing in your life has ended – love, friendship or even work. That refusal to accept what has happened is making you super bummed out right now and you’ll actually get a confirmation this week that it’s fucking over and you have to face facts that you’ve been refusing to address for a while now.

Sounds painful but the universe will soften the blow for me right? LOLOLOLOLOL NO

If you have been slacking at work – sis we been knew that you spent office hours just watching old Wendy Williams on YouTube – you’re gonna get clocked this week. And it ain’t gonna be pretty. So quit that shit and at least put on a show of effort or some shit.

Double and triple check your work before you present it to higher-ups – get meticulous or get fucked. Be careful with emails or communications with your colleagues, especially if it’s trashing someone you dislike. Is trashing Susan really worth a disciplinary action taken by HR? Uggh, no.

For some who’s starting something new this week – new venture or moving on to a new chapter in your life – don’t let fear paralyse you. There’s an energy of uncertainty that will cloud your judgement this week. Stop with the fear. Uggh. Just let go and let God – trust that you have what it takes to see things through. For some, a compromise is required when your original plan is met with obstacles. 

If you’re planning to schedule several dick appointments this week, overcome hiccups with preparation: you turn up at their door and they’re like “I think I’m clean lol are you on PrEP?” – aren’t you glad you stocked your rubber supply? ; if there’s a sudden influx of femme fat bottoms – put that “vers top” bio to good use and actually top for once.

Group 3: The universe is channeling Regina George this week, so get in line, play by her rules and you’ll be rewarded by sitting next to her. Something that feels restrictive or is limiting yourself from being heard is put in place as a form of protection from a negative thing from happening later this week. If it’s a work thing, be glad you’re not being allowed to fuck things up like you’re doing for literally every other areas in your life.

Luckily for you, someone will come to your aid to help with a problem you’ll be experiencing at work to help alleviate the fuckery that will be going down this week.

Emotional issues with loved ones will take center stage this week that will clear itself up by the end of the week so don’t act out. Don’t leave your man for some fuqboi. Don’t steal your BFF’s sugar daddy cause yours won’t renegotiate an increase your weekly allowance by 20%. Uggh, I usually condone being messy but not this week, henny. Setbacks will eventually turn in your favor.

Do yoga. Go on an ayahuasca vision quest. Why? I dunno bitch, I’m just grasping at straws here for some continuity in my reading. Yours is literally not to give in to fuckery or you’ll get fucked – nothing else. Do whatever it takes to prevent yourself from starting drama and you’ll thank me later. Also have you jerked off to Wil Traval, the hot actor who’s in Netflix’s Messiah? Uggh just flood my gut already, I can’t.

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