Stalking by proxy

Dear M,

Uggh. My ex, F, got over me so quickly that he found someone two weeks after we broke up. I’ve consulted various cartomancers/psychics/shamans/witches to ask if they’re on the verge of breaking up so I can swoop in finally be happy and start having a life like a well-balanced person.

It’s been four months and all of the people told me that they’re super happy and going strong! Like I can’t with this revelation. I’ve stalked F and his new girlfriend’s instagram profiles every two hours to see if now is the time when they’re breaking up – nothing. Can you snoop into their love life and see any unhappiness so I can blast it on social media, reclaim whatever shreds of dignity I have left and live my life in peace?

Love, G.

Hi Tinsley Mortimer,

First of all, whore. This is like the third reading I’ve done for you and every reading says the same goddamn thing: No, he’s not gonna come back to you. No his family didn’t have any issues with you that caused the breakup. No, his new girlfriend is totally non-psycho and is loved by everyone around him – including F’s mom, Topanga.


I am messy and self-aware, but even I have my limits. I was conned into giving you the first two readings because you posted the questions in a third-person perspective and I assumed it was about you.

After my cards called you out on your bullshit in the third reading, I told you that you can’t proceed with this clownery. The cards told you to move on. Bitch why you still be all up on his dick?

My limits are no readings on people who do not consent to being read. It’s like slipping a roofie on someone you want to be intimate with after the first date because you “just need them to be compliant when you explore their body”. That is wrong on so many levels, Tinsley!

You’re a strong, independent woman who is admired by many. So why are you letting a dick reduce you to a shadow of your former self?! Gurl, the only solution I have for you is a spell. See below.

Spell: Stop being a meat clown

1 Glass of fresh cat piss (ask your local cat lady to provide some if you don’t have a cat)

1 Printout of this page

1 Jade Yoni egg

1 Pack of cigarettes (your choice)

1. Stand infront of your yard while holding the glass of cat piss

2. Pour the cat piss on yourself

3. Recite: “This is how I treat myself when I reduce myself to a meat clown and piss on my dignity”

4. Paste the printout of this page infront of your mirror to look at it daily to prevent this shit from happening again

5. Insert Jade Yoni egg to tighten your pussy walls before you start dating again

6. Smoke cigarettes until you put chills back into your life

Love & Light

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