LSD: Life after Sugar Daddy

Uggh. I literally can’t sleep for the past few weeks because tons of dumped sugar babies who’ve mastered the art of telepathy have bombarded me with messages about seeking help in finding their life’s purpose like “Help me M! My sugar daddy has replaced me with a newer model because a cosmically tragic incident has befallen me – I turned 19!”

Sis, we been knew that all sugar babies, like twinks, have a short shelf life. these thots know nothing about future planning and need guidance on what their soul purpose is stat!

I’ve consulted the cosmos and the here are the divine messages you need to pursue a fulfilling career based on your soul’s yearning. Are you a LouAnne (Group 1), Cher (Group 2), Ronan (Group 3) or Oda Mae (Group 4)?


Cards: Ace of Cups (reversed), Knight of Cups (reversed), 3 of Pentacles (reversed), 3 of Swords (reversed), 7th House, Gemini, 5th House, Neptune, Joker is Wild, Out of Darkness, Lover, Companion, Return to Joy, Slow Down to Relax, The Dead End, The Nectar

LouAnne Johnson: There are a lot of people who live in your neighbourhood who choose NOT to get on that bus. What do they choose to do? They choose to go out and sell drugs. They choose to go out and kill people. They choose to do a lot of other things. But they choose not to get on that bus. The people who choose to get on that bus, which are YOU, are the people who are saying, “I will not carry myself down to die. When I go to my grave, my head will be high.” That is a choice! There are no VICTIMS in this classroom!

Female student: Why do you care anyway? You just here for the money.

LouAnne Johnson:  Because I make a choice to care. And honey, the money ain’t that good.

Dangerous Minds (1995)

Hello, it’s me your savior

If you haven’t watched Michelle Pfeiffer’s tour de force performance in Dangerous Minds – stream it stat. All right, it’s basically Sister Act 2 but like with a white protagonist and stuff but it’s arguably one of her best work to date. It definitely make up for that cringefest that is Grease 2. Uggh. Choices, Michelle. Choices.

Like LouAnne, you’ve got convictions, mawma. Deep down, you know your destiny is more than just trading your gaping holes for mink coats and weekly allowances from a real estate tycoon. You know your soul’s true purpose is giving hope to those who feel hopeless: The forgotten. The downtrodden. The scarred. The lost souls. Uggh the drama, I can’t.

Sometimes we see people who have lost their way, and even feel sorry for them. Not you. You know there’s no room for a pity party in this world. There’s no point is watching from afar and sending thoughts and prayers. You know lending a helping hand to someone who is at the lowest point in their lives can have a huge impact in turning their lives around, as shown by the Slow Down to Relax card.

There are plenty of cards here dealing with pulling people out of dark episodes in their lives – Return to Joy, The Dead End, 3 of Swords and literally – Out of Darkness.

The Nectar may even suggest dealing someone with substance abuse issues. Same goes for Neptune, the planet of escapism and through the use of drugs to cope with tough life circumstances. But in your energy, The Nectar translate to medicine – turning poison into antidote, and Neptune card represents the energy in you that expresses itself as empathy and showing compassion to others.

That’s your gift and don’t you ever forget that. Healing is in the cards for you, and you’ll find that providing much-needed assistance to people in their journey to be their better selves could be something you’ve been thinking about for a while now.

The wind beneath their wings

You’ve probably noticed by now that you tend to be the one people go to when they’ve dug themselves into a shithole. Remember the time when you helped Tanner come down from crystal meth? Or the time when you helped Cadence start a new identity cause she filmed a rough gangbang porn to piss off her dad and it obliterated her chances of getting any real jobs ever? Mawma the savior energy is strong with you. Uggh I’m jealous, like I wanna be a protagonist of an urban drama too

The 7th House and Gemini cards highlight your ability to relate to people, giving you a sense of social awareness and understand the need to connect with people on a deep level. You’ll also find that people tend to trust you more with problems that they won’t with others in their social circle – even with their own family.

The 3 of Pentacles reversed also suggests that you have the commitment and energy needed to see through someone through their recovery – whichever form that may take.

The Lover and Companion cards reinforce your qualities in connecting to people on a spiritual and emotional level that makes them feel safe to trust you. This makes you excel in careers that involve lots of communication, intimacy and lowering their guard to show you their vulnerable side.

Animal rescues or even some form of rehabilitation-related works are associated with this energy. Perhaps even teaching or teaching positions within prisons.

This is not about having a Messiah complex. You understand that each soul has potential, ambitions and aspirations – as shown by the 5th House card of passion and Neptune, the card of dreams and fantasies.The cards pick up a strong energy of caring for others. Seeing them take each step to better themselves so they will be strong enough to find their inner happiness and rejoin the world with a newfound sense of appreciation for life.

When you find an outlet to showcase these strengths, you’ll find such great satisfaction in life and help your soul to blossom in the process too.


Cards: The Fool, 5 of Pentacles (reversed), 6 of Pentacles, Ace of Wands, Ascendant, Venus, Sun, Uranus, The Good Geisha, Voice of an Angel, Dilettante, Liberator, Limitation is Power, Make Friends, The Mystic, The Riddle

Cher: I’ve got an idea – let’s do a makeover.

Tai: No…

Dionne: Oh come on, let us. Cher’s main thrill in life is a makeover. It gives her a sense of control in a world full of chaos.

Cher: Pleeeeaaaaaseeee!

Tai: Sure why not… You guys, I’ve never had straight friends before!

Clueless (1995)

You do you, boo

Playing by the rules set up and reinforced by the heteronormative WHITE patriarchy? Uggh as if! Like Cher, you’re here to remind the world that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty. That’s The Riddle energy manifesting in you: the energy of great awakening and rejection of “the right answer” – the one society wants to give you. Uggh fuck society amirite?

Give you the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse – and watch your eyes light up like a power bottom eyeing a total top entering a club. Total 5 of Pentacles energy here.

Gurl, the cards are saying that you love love love the idea of helping others, especially to embrace the concept of transformation; of looks, ideas, existing social norms and structures.

Heavy – I mean HEAVY – transformative energies picked up by the cards: The Mystic, The Riddle, Liberator, Sun, Uranus, The Fool, Ace of Wands and Limitation is Power.

The Ace of Wands is the energy of creativity and change. Change gives you life, bitch. And life wants you to dish it out as much as possible to anyone who’s willing to accept change.

The Fool is all about leaving behind what’s weighing you down and giving you a sense of adventure. You may notice this energy expressing itself in various ways in your life; Perhaps you’re bored of routines. Perhaps you’re actually thriving in this gig economy and can’t understand why your friends are moping about the uncertainty in their career predicament.

Make Friends card shows that that energy can certainly be harnessed and channeled into multiple outlets to benefit those around you. It’s totally infectious, as signified by the 6 of Pentacles.

Now is your Tai-me

In Clueless, Alicia Silverstone’s Cher does this thing where she transformed the new girl, Tai, played by the pre-glamorous Brittany Murphy. And Miss Honey, that gave Cher life!

Why not take a page from Clueless and put that transformative powers to work?

Ascendant governs expression and appearances, and it’s next to Venus, the planet of beauty and adornment – fashion is calling! For some of you, perhaps the field of fashion design and styling is appealing because of the position it affords you to help people discover their sense of self through clothes. Uggh the power of fashion.

But like Tai, the impact Cher has goes beyond looks – Tai blossomed into a confident it girl as the movie progresses thanks to the lessons in manoeuvring the politics of high school. Perhaps inner transformation is what drives you?

The Sun is all about vitality, injecting creativity colour to life. Paired with Uranus, the planet of breakthrough, originality and freedom, there’s nothing stopping you from using your gifts to help unleash a sad soul into a kween. The cards deal with issues of the transformative powers of the mind, such as psychology – ooh perhaps a counsellor where you can guide someone to deal with issues preventing them from being their true selves.

The Voice of an Angel is another card that reminds you of the power in expressing ideas and personal power. It deals with having the courage to be seen and heard despite the potential for being unaccepted.

Maybe you have your eyes on bigger things that needed attention, like the world. Ok Miss Thunberg, channel that need to change and put that Voice of an Angel energy to good use – shout it out loud and make the world hear that you’re tired of letting the powers that be run the world to the ground. Uggh her mind, I can’t.

Being an activist may be in the cards for some of you – thanks to the Limitation of Power and the Liberator cards picking up on your frustration with the status quo in society. You don’t want these political animals to be hopeful. You want them to panic when you set their house on fire with your rhetoric!

That’s the energy that The Mystic is picking up on – remover of darkness but can be misunderstood by others due to the intensity of the energy you exude.


Cards: The Devil, King of Cups (reversed), 4 of Swords, Ace of Pentacles, Saturn, 10th House, 6th House, Pluto, Bright Baby, Circus of Love, Drunk With Love, Determination, The Forest, The Ocean

“Love is kind, love is patient but also, mainly, above all – yes – Love is perverted.”

Hidden Bodies by Caroline Kepnes (aka Netflix’s You)

“I just want to relate the message of one of these women — and it was a shared sentiment among this group — that this was not role-playing, that this was not ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’ It wasn’t in a gray area at all.”

Ronan Farrow

Love actually

Gurl, your cards either drive you to be Ronan Farrow or Joe Goldberg from Netflix’s You. Like, I can’t with these extremes. It depends on how you choose to allow your past experiences with love manifest itself in approaching all-things related to love.

Love – in all its forms, and all that it entails – fascinates you. You got Drunk With Love and the Circus of Love cards. When these appear in a reading, and paired with the 4 of Swords – the card of counselling, anxiety and recuperation – usually are interpreted as being motivated to understand the impact love has on individuals.

With The Ocean card popping up in the reading, there’s an energy of “deeper than deep” – there’s a feeling that you may want to understand the entire spectrum of emotions, and all the good and bad side of the human experience pertaining to love.

On the lighter side of things, this can include sex therapy, marriage counselling, and like even writing sappy fanfics on Wattpad – it’s nothing to laugh at; Anna Todd got a six-figures book deal with Simon & Schuster. So start churning out that slashfic, henny.

But you understand that the world is not all Love & Light ™. Love (in all its physical, emotional and psychological manifestations) can be perverted by a corrupt inner psyche of the person processing it.

The Devil card signifies this. It is the card of humanly desires, but usually leaning towards the shadow side of desires. Sex, greed, addictions, abuse, the whole shebang, henny. Senator Larry Craig, the loud married conservative homophobe caught with his pants down with several men – That’s The Devil card energy (sidenote: why is it always the loudest homophobic conservative politicians are the ones who get caught soliciting sex from gay escorts or found giving blowjobs at truck stops?). Abusers that triggered the #MeToo movement – The Devil energy too.

In your reading the Saturn card represents the energy you have of wisdom, learning lessons, discipline and imposing structure within yourself.

What’s interesting is that being conscious of the light and shadowy sides of love somehow draws you in deeper to learn more about issues surrounding love even further.

Expose her! Drag her! Read her for filth, mawma!

When the Bright Baby card enters a reading, the energy of renewal and recovery from trauma through deep analysis is highlighted as a motivation for channeling your focus on. Same goes for the Pluto card.

This is reinforced by the Detective card here prompting you to energies relating to work associated with research and investigation, intense scrutiny and analysis, finding various perspectives on issues and generally finding satisfaction in work that fulfills this desire in seeking out the truth.

The Forest card here picks up a sense of adventure you have that will serve you well in investigative work. The forest can be a dark and mysterious place – you’ll never know who or what is lurking behind each tree. The dance of light and shadow can play tricks on your senses. But this is how you see situations – nothing is what it seems and you are more than prepped for cutting through the fog and seeing things clearly.

Journalism is one passion where this energy may manifest itself. Perhaps even quite literally, as a detective solving crimes of passion. But you’re not one to just work at any of these jobs just for the coins – the Priest card makes sure of that. In your reading, Priest highlights the need to imbue your work with some sort of divine mission: You don’t just wanna be a journalist – you wanna write investigative pieces that expose the corrupt system. You don’t just wanna be a detective – you wanna be the one to unravel historically important cases. When the focus of your subject is relating to abuses of love – that’s what gets you all riled up.

Interestingly this is where the reversed King of Cups (KoC) energy comes in. When upright, the King card is all about maintaining structures and status quo. The energy of the KoC (lol sounds like cock. Sorry. Clearly I still have the mental maturity of a nine year old) is one of leading others towards a common goal. If the card is a person, he’ll be represented as a patron or a mentor figure.

The KoC in this reading is placed in the “present” position looking towards the future, which adds another layer to its meaning that highlights a subconscious drive to lead people or the collective conscious to a better place, with less chaos and disruption.

You’ve also got the 6th House card, the energy of service and honing your craft, and the 10th of House card, the energy that deals with public, recognition, honors, and generally everybody’s business.

For some of you, the Ace of Pentacles is a wonderful card to have. In a predictive reading, Ace of Pentacles promises wealth and success in your venture.

Think Mr Satchel Ronan O’Sullivan Farrow. Chile, he rallied the sexual assault victims and got the establishment all shookt up. He didn’t come to play, mawma he come to slay. NBC is quaking right now, gurl.

This is of course an extreme example of the energy picked up by the cards – but you get my point. Feeling inspired yet?


Cards: 7 of Pentacles, 6 of Wands, Page of Wands (reversed), Strength, The Numinous, Sagittarius, Conjunction, Moon, Cherry on Top, Rooster Mama, Teacher, Thief, Silencing the Mind, Make a Change, Anima Mundi, The Seed

Oda Mae Brown: My mother had it, and her mother. They both had the gift. They always said I had it, but I never did, I never had it. They told me all about it, but now that I’ve got it, I don’t think I want it. Just go away. Find somebody else.

Ghost (1990)

Lisle Von Rhuman: What you came for; a touch of magic in this world obsessed with science. A tonic, a potion.

Death Becomes Her (1992)

The Gift

Molly, you’re in danger, girl. Ok, not really (ok maybe kinda – keep reading), but I just have to say that because you’re about to experience a similar path to the character played by Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost.

For a lot of you, there’s a feeling like you’ve been waiting a long time to find your life’s purpose, as indicated by the 7 of Pentacles. There’s a sense that you’ve been trudging through life doing things that doesn’t feel right, but you do what you gotta do to pay the bills, but you know something better is coming.

This is life’s ultimate cruelty. It offers us a taste of youth and vitality, and then it makes us witness our own decay… Well not anymore, Madeline Ashton – The universe now comes to you like Lisle Von Rhuman with her elixir of eternal life. Drink up. Lick up every drop like you do with your FetLife hookups. SEMPRE VIVE!

Right now, there’s a feeling like there will be a moment of breakthrough, as shown by the Cherry on Top. It’s like life has made you wait long enough and lately you felt like you’ve seen signs pointing to what you’re meant to do. This is your moment! And what a sweet moment it will be too, because the 6 of Wands is saying that the path you’re in right now will lead you to personal victory that you’ve been longing for a really really long time.

The Make a Change card reinforces this message that a change is gonna come. And your calling deals with your own journey of evolution over the years.

Like Don Quixote – tilting at Nature’s windmill

You’ve got The Numinous, Sagittarius, Conjunction and Moon cards lined up to tell you that you’re getting more intune to your emotions and the unexplained. Have you been reading up on astrology or testing your skills with Tarot? For some, it’s like the cosmos have lifted the veil, making you realise that you’re an intuitive and, baby, you’re pretty damn good at it too.

For others who are less mystically-inclined, there’s a feeling that lately you’ve reached deep within yourself and recognised the key to self-improvement as you’ve become better at mastering your emotions.

With Sagittarius next to Conjunction there’s a feeling that the more open you are to new experiences, new philosophies and perspectives, the more empowered you’ve become.

The Anima Mundi here appears because there’s an energy of love. Unconditional love that you’ll need to display with your calling. It’s the energy of “Accept all, reject none.” You’re ready to show the world in your own unique way that people can bond through the non-judgemental loving cosmic forces.

This mastery of self after what seemed like an eternity of trials, tribulations and self-hate, you’ve successfully learned to love yourself and that you want to share this knowledge with others. Perhaps you’ve been toying with the idea of inspiring others through the use of your personality.

Have you wanted to be an influencer of sort in the realm of self-help? Do you feel that it’s your calling to lead by example and showing those who were down and out like you to follow in your footsteps? Do you believe your Eat Pray Love-esque blog audience will resonate with your anecdotes on life? Is that nagging idea of being an insta-LOA thot actually a sign from the universe? Have you lost 300lbs and has a hot body and wanna live out your dreams of becoming an OnlyFans cam whore? Uggh, sis, Rooster Mama card says yes!

The Rooster Mama is all about the power of self. Self-love, self-belief and doing you without compromising yourself to fit others’ opinions of you. The universe is ready to send people who want that from you.Remember the 7 of Pentacles and Cherry on Top card that picks up the energy of a breakthrough? This is your moment. The stage is set. So give it to the runway, henny cause the world is now giving you the attention you finally deserve.

But wait. Is that self-doubt still? “How can I inspire with my story?” you may think. The Seed card is a reminder that beginnings come in many forms. Tall trees don’t always grow from intentionally placed seeds in nourishing soils – they come from shit form birds as they fly past a land sometimes. You’re not perfect. No one is looking for perfection. That is why you have the potential to inspire.

Even if you’re not one to be so public in your choice of work, there are plenty of career for you to apply this nourishing, caring energy to help inspire people to be their best selves. There’s social work. there’s … bitch I don’t know. I don’t have a fucking directory of jobs out there to list out in this fucking post, ho. Just take from the elements that resonate and Google, bitch. Uggh. I can’t with you. All those growth and you’re still a lazy ass bitch. Uggh.

Now, a warning

NOW A WARNING?! Unlike the other three groups, your life’s calling comes with a clause in the contract because yours have the highest potential for abuse. It is what it is. You think the universe will dish out such great gifts without checks and balances? Bitch you must be trippin’.

You got the Teacher and the Thief cards in reversed. The potential for you to corrupt your gifts will be high. Remember that your message should be one of personal and spiritual growth, not for exploitation of those who seek help from you. Never abuse their trust.

The 7 of Pentacles card has the numerological meaning of 7 symbolism, which is dangling temptations in front of you. The Page of Wands reversed signifies an energy of the potential to have a lack of understanding in feeling of loss and defeat – remember those feelings you’ve had for a long time before you breakthrough? Don’t let your newfound joy get to your head. Or get ready for some major karmic retribution.

Silencing the Mind card appears to tell you not to only drown out your self-doubts, but also to understand when negativity and the urge to abuse your gifts is creeping up from your subconscious – learn to negate that self-undoing energy.

Take care of yourself. You and your body are going to be together a long time, be good to it. Sempre Vive: Live forever.

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