Demons are so hot right now

Dear M,

Shit done hit the fan and I’m majorly screwed now. Your last reading on my situation was right and I should have taken your advice. But my inner saboteur took over and I’ve done mess things up real bad.

I’ve scoured the internet and found this deity summoning ritual. It was hosted on Angelfire so it has to be legit right? I wanted to undo the damage done by petitioning a couple of gods to shift the tides of luck.

Turns out, those motherfuckers hate each other and shit ton of bad luck has befallen me. Now I’m caught up in a cosmic war and became the whipping boy of two rival deities!

Life has dealt me with shit and it’s clear to me now, I need to summon a demon to clean up this mess. I’m so sick of things not turning out my way. Do you know of any demon summoning rituals? Also can you recommend a skinny white demon with an aesthetic of a 17yo girl? I don’t want people to think I’m gay if I summon a male demon.

I need help ASAP. Thanks!

Love, K

Dear Jeffrey Epstein aka [NAME REDACTED],

First of all, didn’t think I’d hear from you again. Secondly, how the hell did you get my new number?

How’s life in the witness protection programme? I knew [GOVERNMENT REDACTED] would trade your vast inventory of blackmail materials for your safety. LOLOL that faux suicide – CLASSIC!

Uggh, chile I read the news and gurl you is messssssssssyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Whore, I told you about how deep your mess will be. Now you be fucking it up more by summoning up shit you don’t know about.

I don’t mess with deities or demons. I don’t think anyone needs to mess with them and there’s literally no benefits whatsoever. Like why?

I literally can’t with you. You’re supposed to digest whatever spiritual messages you got from me (and 30 other readers) and use your freewill to enact the right actions to fix your life.

Part of the human experience is going through tough times and strengthening your resolve by handling your shit. Stop taking shortcuts in life and expecting any reader to singlehandedly clean up your mess with a reading or give you a recipe to conjure a barely legal female-identified cisgendered heteronormative demon.

You’re fucked. Get fucked. Also please tell Ghislaine to stop texting me.

Love & Light

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