Which SAG Awards winner are you? Jennifer Aniston (Group 1), Laura Dern (Group 2), Renee Zellweger (Group 3).
Disclaimer: Uggh, keep in mind that this is a general reading for groups of people, so lots of energies came through. As a reader, when I channel the messages, I always seek the most urgent ones to appear for each group. You may not resonate with all of the messages in one group, so don’t be bummed out if you expect February to be a stellar month and you found out that your man is going to leave you for your twin sister. Like gurl, seriously, it’s not a personal reading, so get real. If you want a personal reading, fucking pay up. If not, shut the fuck up. I literally can’t with this sense of entitlement. Also I will not be held accountable for the decisions you make based on my cards.
Light Seer’s Tarot: 6 of Swords, 8 of Wands, Temperance, Page of Cups, Magician (reversed), Ace of Pentacles (reversed)
Tarot of Sexual Magick: King of Chalices, Knight of Chalices (reversed), 2 of Wands, 9 of Pentacles, 5 of Wands, 5 of Chalices (reversed)
The Starseed Oracle: Child of the Cosmos, Activated Earth, The Courageous Peony
Dark Mirror Oracle: Today for Tomorrow, Addicted, Blinded to Pain
Les Vampires Oracle: Maenad, Supernatural, Immortal
Archetype Cards: Lover, Mystic (reversed), Prince (reversed)
How not to fuck up your career: If you wanna be somebody, if you wanna go somewhere, you gotta wake up and pay attention – preach Sister Mary Clarence! Bitch, bow down to the most amazing movie franchise ever. Like, ever.
Like Sister Mary Clarence in the iconique Sister Act movies, February will open up doors to new opportunities that you never thought was available to you – it will happen fast, and turns out you’ll be pretty good at it.
For some of you, an offer from a new organisation will be presented to you and you’re all like “Oh em gee, like do I even want this? Like it’s so random right? I’m gagged by the gagnation of it all sis lol I can’t.” Well, cunt, stay in that shithole that you call work if you want. The cards show that you’re not exactly feeling the vibe in your current workplace. Fear of the unknown is a common thing, but to let it dictate your life? Gurl bye.
Think tomorrow – not today. How will this new offer benefit you in your career trajectory? How many extra rentboys a month can this afford you? Think, bitch. Think.
For others, an opportunity to alleviate the stress at work or at school will miraculously appear before you. Perhaps you’re reassigned to another group for a project, or you’ll be taken off an assignment for a new one. The stress put on you by your peers will be lifted but you’re unsure if you want that to happen. Why?
Bitch lemme tell you something. Like for months I’ve had the most unusual boner for KevinASMR (uggh watch his videos and you’ll get it), and denied myself from rubbing one out to him. Like I wasn’t sure if was wrong to sexualize an innocent man who’s clearly passionate about haircut roleplays and the art of giving people the tingles. Meanwhile I’m out here just fantasizing about him being a Patrick Bateman-like figure taking me from behind with the rush of a looming threat of being stabbed in the spine with his scissors or worse: him giving me an asymmetrical bob ala Victoria Beckham circa 2007 while doing anal!
But you know what? I finally jerked it off to him and after I came, it’s like a veil has been lifted. Through that experience I have learned that the only person judging my nut…is myself. That’s the tea.
Things don’t just happen – it happens for a reason. Most of us can’t see it at the present moment. But in hindsight it will all make sense.
In February, doubt will be like that toxic ex with a big dick that keeps texting you “wyd” at 2am asking if you wanna come over. You wanna give in. But you really shouldn’t. You is smart. You is kind. You is important, Mae Mobley.
For some of you who will not be given an obvious offer – pay attention: situations will appear as though things are piling on to you this month, but that is what’s going to reward you post-February. Like most guys you dated, their intentions are not clear in the beginning. Perhaps it’s a new initiative your school or work has roped you in and it feels like an imposition. Perhaps you’re picking up the slack for other people in your group.
The cards are saying things are being put in place right now to set you on a better path. Now is the time for you to display all your skills and capabilities. There’s also a need to show how passionate you are in what you do. For some, you’ll receive a confirmation that you’re on the right track.
February is about showing how multifaceted you are and it’ll be a touchstone month for 2020. The choices you make in February will have a trickling effect on how your career goes for the rest of the year. You’re either choose to blossom into a showy peony, or remain a shrinking violet.
In January 2020, heavy energy of change was picked up for the groups, this is a continuation of that energy for those who pick this group.
How not to fuck up your love life: Someone will light your fire this month. But you’ll project an entire lifetime with them in your mind, then make up scenarios in your mind about how their flaws are a total deal breaker and entertain the possibility of going back to being single and adopting your 8th cat from the shelter.
Do you fear that they will disrupt your life of a series of properly planned schedules? Are you afraid that you won’t always have the last say? Do you feel like there’s going to be a better one that’s like mind blowingly perfect?
Well let me know how that’s gonna work out for you. Bitch you’re single cause you can’t grasp the concept that being with someone is all about disruption of your ordered life. You’re inviting an actual living breathing person into your life, not a fucking pot of Hoya Pubicalyx. What the fuck do you expect?
Personality-wise, this person may be charming and in control of their emotions at first. But then they may want more from you. How you perceive this intensity and imposition on your life is entirely up to you.
Kinksters who are into power-dynamics – gurl I am shookt! The cards are showing that the universe is clearing the obstacles for someone who fits what makes your naughty bits tingle to come into your life – and all over your face.
Healthy exchanges of dominance and submission, along with emotional fulfillment will be seen. This will be someone will bridge the gap between kinky hookups and into a partnership. I’d stick to hints instead of full-out declaration that you’re a no-limits, free-use whore with no safe words before you finish your appetizer on the first date.
How not to fuck up your relationship: If you’re consciously coupled in a BDSM relationship, then the cards are looking good for you both. For others, not so much.
Kinkster couples with emphasis on power-dynamics, all’s good. Nothing problematique is seen. Boring, I know but it is what it is. You can proceed with the plan to turn your basement into a sex dungeon.
For vanilla couples, a recurring problem of unbalance of power is taking its toll on you. You have two 5 cards and one is reversed, suggesting that one of you is definitely aware that they are imposing themselves on the other and that power struggle is eating the other person on the inside. And if you’re reading this, your mind is already entertaining thoughts of moving on.
Someone that you thought was your dream come true turns out to be such a smooth poseur – uggh like what the hell happened? How the hell did your prince turn out to be such a monster? Gurl I dunno. You picked ‘em. I don’t have all the answers.
Open conversation has the potential of solving the issue – do it. Talk it out first. If nothing comes of it then being single is better than being miserable.
Ask yourself why you’re afraid to leave: Is it because now it’s become a routine? You’re afraid of being seen as a single? You believe that you’ve peaked and you can’t get anyone better?
Computer says no. The universe has lined up series of events leading up to this for you to realize that maybe it’s not for you. The universe has also put in place a pathway for you to actually make your way to find someone who’s an even better fit for you.
Light Seer’s Tarot: 2 of Wands, 6 of Swords, 3 of Pentacles, Hierophant (reversed), Sun, Devil
Tarot of Sexual Magick: Star (reversed), 9 of Chalices (reversed), Queen of Chalices (reversed), 7 of Pentacles, 2 of Chalices (reversed), 2 of Pentacles
The Starseed Oracle: Baby Steps, Double Mission, Star Family
Dark Mirror Oracle: Atonement, Fated to Suffer, Today for Tomorrow
Les Vampires Oracle: Supernatural, The Monster Within, Free Will
Archetype Cards: Rebel, Addict, Angel
How not to fuck up your career: Like Sansa Stark, you’ve probably been at the mercy of authority figures who treats you like their whipping girl for a while now. February is like a speed up version of the entire series all the way to that cringey council scene where you will finally receive all that is due to you.
For some, a corporate shakeup is seen to destabilise these fucktards who have made your life hell. For others, a unified voice in the form of working with your peers to make your frustrations known is seen.
Oh em gee… are the peasants in your neck of the woods finally emboldened to revolt on their oppressor? DRAMA!!!!!!! I can totally get on board with this. I love mess.
Like Sansa, isn’t it about time you take a page from your abusers and turn the table on them? The cards Rebel, Double Mission and Supernatural highlight that the universe has primed this to your favor. The Hierophant is in reversed suggesting a need to challenge traditional structures while the Free Will card is picking up energies of asserting yourself. Exploit it. Don’t you think it’s time you change the narrative of your own corporate fairytale?
Chaos is a fucking laddah. Dafuq are you waiting for?
Speak the fuck up. Or continue to stay in the cycle of abuse. Are you really fated to suffer? Or have you been complicit in the continuation of abuse that you’ve allowed to happen? That is just not fair to your soul.
FAIR IS FAIR!! Channel your inner Billie Jean (but save the tacky haircut) and take what’s rightfully yours goddammit. By the way, I strongly recommend you watch The Legend of Billie Jean. OMFG. Cheesy 80s movie galore. I can’t, but also totally can. Young Christian Slater was so hot in that. Omg I remember watching that in the mid 90s as a kid and gurl, that scene when he was suntanning, I was all like “flood my gut, zaddy”.
For those in a less dramatic workplace situation, February calls for unlearning what you know and re-learning at work. Think you’re at the top of your game and nothing can destroy you? Bitch you thought.
An authority figure at work will act as a mentor for some projects you’re handling and their SOPs and other processes will have you gagged. Like you think it’s like this, but it’s really like this. Bitch who knew?
Openness to new ideas and approaches will get you noticed and rewarded. And stay away from the need to slide back into doing things the old ways.
How not to fuck up your love life: So you wanna be like Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City, but really your love life is more Miranda Hobbes. Get over it. You’re not the stylish one, you’re not the Park Avenue princess, you’re not the sexy one – but you’re at least the most stable among the bunch.
Like Miranda, February will present you with a Steve. Uggh. You’re probably thinking why the hell would I wanna settle for a Steve right? I mean he has like one ball and is totally not the hot prince charming you’ve been dreaming of since you were six.
Well are you a 10 across the board? LOL no. You’re like a 4, Becky. OMG. Like have some self-awareness. You’re waiting for a 6’2”, built, fit, All-American stud, who won’t cheat on you, has a 10-incher and lived his entire life just to find you? LOL your friends may indulge in your delusions, but we’re not friends. Uggh Cady, do you know what people say about you? They say you are homeschooled jungle freak who’s a less hot version of me. RECOGNIZE.
For some, the cards are showing that you’ve been waiting a long time for someone to show interest in you and you can count the number of love interests in like one finger. February is saying not to lose hope as happiness is around the corner – but it’s probably not going to be electric at first. Take the first step and see where this goes.
How not to fuck up your relationship: You’re doing a fine job fucking it up yourself. LOL jk Kimora.
Some of you may be losing your faith in this union and is already thinking about cutting your losses and moving on. Perhaps your person isn’t bringing you joy or a sense of completion. Where is this stemming from? Lack of affection? Lack of communication? Have you both attempted to fix this? Are they aware of what you’re feeling about this relationship plateau?
Multiple 2s in your pull shows that patience is required, but for now a sense of boredom has taken over due to lack of understanding from both parties.
Don’t give up on this relationship just yet – at least not in February. Now calls for you both to work things out and pull both of you out of this ennui. The Angel card appears here to ask you to be selfless and try to see your person’s perspective on this with no judgements.
You can run away from a relationship at the first sign of boredom – but I doubt that the next one will break you away from this pattern of thought. It’s an internal struggle that you have to be aware of and address privately.
No one is asking you to deny your happiness and wants in favour of another’s feelings. You’ve got the Addict card which asks you to recognize and confront unhealthy patterns of behaviors. Look back at your past relationships – is this a recurring theme? Then the problem is you.
Or just dump them and start another cycle of this mess with someone else LOL e-mail me your mess, I like something to lol at.
Light Seer’s Tarot: 4 of Swords, Queen of Pentacles (reversed), Page of Pentacles, Page of Wands (reversed), Queen of Wands, The Fool
Tarot of Sexual Magick: 7 of Pentacles, Queen of Swords (reversed), 9 of Pentacles, Lovers, Ace of Pentacles, Ace of Wands
The Starseed Oracle: I’m Sorry, Earth School, Weight of the World
Dark Mirror Oracle: Revenge, Bride in a Cage, Alone in the World
Les Vampires Oracle: Hope, Nightmare, Natural
Archetype Cards: King (reversed), Artist, Destroyer
How not to fuck up your career: Gurl what are you doing with your life? There’s a strong energy of putting things off and being distracted from long-term goals that are causing stagnation in your career. I get the feeling like you’re delaying what you’ve always wanted out of a career and are just coasting by without actually realizing your full potential.
You’re like those fake vers tops on Grindr who’s all like “I can totally do both” and block guys who prefer to bottom because you’re just used to laying there, not doing much work and then wonder “Will I ever have a mind blowing sex at least once in this lifetime?”
My cards are calling you out in February. The Destroyer card appears to say that you’ve cruised along in your job for far too long. Take a step back and assess what goals you’ve been putting on the shelf and revisit how you can achieve towards it this month.
Bride in a Cage is saying the moment of trapping yourself in old ways are over. Break free – and reap the rewards. Why wait when February is when the universe is helping you to usher in new set of accomplishments that will benefit you throughout 2020.
You’ve got pairs of similar court suits – Pages and Queens of Pentacles and Wands – when that happens, you need to reinvigorate and reinforce your passion and commitment to the suit’s expressions.
Your Queen of Pentacles reversed is next to Page of Pentacles, suggesting misplaced priorities in work due to being lulled by perceived stability of your current position. Because of this, a reminder of the need for joyless toil at work is required to break out of your stagnation to achieve more recognition for your accomplishments. You can’t rest on your laurels for long. How long before you get called out?
The Page of Wands come before the Queen of Wands, suggesting a lack of thirst for progress that needs to be remedied by making things happen with limited internal and external resources. The Artist card is a reminder to take a chance by taking up a project beyond your usual portfolio and find that spark again. You’ll be surprised at how that will trigger that drive to achieve the goals you once had.
The I’m Sorry card reinforces the message of correcting a wrong course of action in your life before it’s too late.
Remember that 1993 movie, Heart and Soul, featuring a young Robert Downey Jr? It’s iconique, go watch. It’s about a boy who is friends with a bunch of spirits of those who died in a bus crash. One of the characters, Julia (played by Kyra Sedgwick), waited far too long to express her love for a man and she only realized that when her life was cut short and then it’s too late.
Don’t put off those goals and ambitions anymore – you’ll never know when the opportunity for you to manifest it will be gone and you’ll be left wondering the what ifs.
How not to fuck up your love life: At last, my love has come along! Uggh, at least until you lower down your guard and let someone in. If not, call the nearest cat shelter and start planning your life as a sad, single cat lady with 24 cats in her apartment.
Cupid takes a shining to you in February, and what a time for love too.
There’s a definite love energy being picked up by the cards but it’s one that is easily blocked by defensive attitude by you. This month, you’re like Maggie from Addicted to Love. In that movie, Meg Ryan’s character is a wounded lover who teamed up with Matthew Broderick’s character to spy on their respective exes in hopes of getting back together with them.
She was so caught up in the idea of getting back with her ex that she didn’t notice the right man for her is her co-conspirator all along. Uggh love 90s romcom.
There’s a sense that you want love, but there’s a wall that needs breaking down to allow someone in. Perhaps it’s the fear of loss of independence, or past hurt. That needs to change because love is coming.
I’m not asking you to plan your wedding to the first person who asks you out. Exercise discernment, but reel it in when you’re conscious that you’re excessively pick up perceived flaws. Seriously, there are millions of reasons not to be with anyone. But keep living like that, don’t mope around when you have no one to share your life with.
Do you enjoy being lonely and miserable? Is that it? I can relate but still.
February calls for working on self, as shown by the 9 of Pentacles. Assess what is no longer needed in your approach to love and strip it away. Excessive fears and mistrust are not welcomed in your psyche this month.
How not to fuck up your relationship: Don’t you just hate it when things just go so well for people? Like I can’t with you.
Your relationship is growing, no major issues. You’ll be happy. Lots of sex, passion and planning for the future. The energy is authentic, real, honest and hopeful.
For some, your relationship is about to take that next step – is that a proposal coming? Wait. Everything points to happiness and no drama.
Gurl what is this buffoonery? What’s happening? How are you this happy? Why? How? What?