I’m ready to risk it all for the plumber. Help?

Dear M,

God, I’ve been chain-smoking for the past couple of hours, trying to muster the courage to ask you for help. Uggh, don’t judge. Mawma I’m a mess!

I’m in a relationship now but for the past few months, I’ve been thinking about running away with the plumber. Ok hear me out before you judge me, sis! Uggh I’m so emotionally fragile right now, can you not roll your eyes? God you’re such a bitch sometimes. Ok totally kidding, you’re not. You’re amazing.

Anyway, few months ago there was a leak in my basement’s pipes and I hired this random plumber off Google search. I literally searched “plumbers in my area with hot triceps and solid perky ass” and he appeared on the first page, so I contacted him.

OH EM GEE SIS! Like he is like so hot and stuff. Like I can’t. While he was fixing my pipes, mawma when I saw his bulging arms flexing as he is tightening the pipe connectors – chile the pipes weren’t the only thing flooding in the basement.

It was intense. I called him over like 5 times in the first week just to see him cleaning out my pipes. He got the hint and we dated on the downlow for months. Anyway to cut to the chase, 2 abortions later, here I am stumped if I should dump my man for the plumber. Sis, help?

Love, X

Dear Teri Hatcher’s character from Desperate Housewives,

I –

I can’t. Let’s just go straight to the piles.

Are you Lynette Scavo (Group 1), Edie Britt (Group 2) or Gabrielle Solis (Group 3)?

*Applies to anyone thinking about leaving a current relationship for someone new.

GROUP 1

Cards: 10 of Wands, Judgement (reversed), 9 of Wands (reversed), Ace of Cups, Imrama, Heart of the Matter, Relationship Change

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

Anais Nin

Message: Notes on a Scandal is not just the title of the underrated movie featuring Cate Blanchett and Dame Judi Dench – that describes your existing love connection in a nutshell.

With Judgement reversed there’s a possibility that you’ve been enduring malicious talks and gossips about your partner’s past actions. And with the 10 of Wands, it’s a burden you’ve been carrying for a while now.

For others, the relationship you’re in is rockier than you can handle and with the 9 of Wands – you’ve been thinking about it for a while now. Mawma, we get it, you’re not a ho. You just don’t want people to think less of you for leaving his ass for a new man.

Chill. Look through the carefully documented spreadsheet of the pros and cons of this relationship that you’ve created – Gurl you know it’s over. Why you acting brand new?

The Ace of Cups is a wonderful message of new love and if you’re wondering if he feels the same way – the answer is yes. A resounding yes, henny.

Imrama is asking you to reflect on what truly makes you happy. Is staying with your current dildo-with-a-heartbeat your destiny? Is risking your life, career, reputation and money (lol jk) and running away with the plumber what your heart is calling you to do?

If your heart won’t let you be happy in your current circumstance, then you know what to do. Pack your bag and leave.

If you need more hint, the numerology card LITERALLY says Relationship Change. Gurl.

So how long will this new relationship last? Mawma this is a free reading. One issue at a time.

GROUP 2

Cards: 7 of Cups, 9 of Cups (reversed), Moon, 4 of Pentacles, Pillar of Light, Speak Out, Completion

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

Anais Nin

Message: Oooh gurl…Aren’t you glad you consulted the cards before you made a clown of yourself? THE CLOWNERY, GURL! THE CLOWNERY JUMPED OUT! LOLOLOLOLOL

7 of Cups in love is the card of fool’s errand. What you think you’re chasing isn’t exactly what it is LOL welcome to the real world. You think you’re Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama?

Wake the fuck up. Fantasy isn’t reality. You’ve been reading way too many romance novels – there maybe be some sexual spark between you and Mr Plumber, but did you really think he’s gonna be your Prince Charming?

The moon here when paired with 7 of Cups is saying that you’ve been deceiving yourself about the reality of the situation here. 4 of Pentacles is calling you out for clinging on to illusions of stability.

Yes, with 9 of Cups reversed, we know you haven’t been happy with your significant other. But if you think that plumber is gonna sweep you off your feet and give you that fairytale ending, you’re more delusional than me every time my ex texted me to tell me that he’s changed (uggh. I’m working on this, bitch. Stop judging me, I can’t).

The Pillar of Light is asking you to take action with clarity. What’s the underlying issue here? Does this attraction stem from a lack of affection and intimacy in your current relationship?

Speak Out literally asks you to speak out. Share with your current partner how you feel about this relationship. See if this can be fixed.

Completion is a card of closing a chapter to finish what has been dragged for too long – no, it’s not ending of the relationship. It’s the ending of suffering in silence. You want your bean flicked more than once every two months – so say it. Uggh. It’s not that hard.

You have two cards with 9, which indicates the power of self. You just need to say what you need to have those needs met. Bitch, you didn’t marry a telepath.

GROUP 3

Cards: Lovers, Queen of Cups, 4 of Cups, 4 of Wands, Get Grounded, Turn Over a New Page, Follow Your Dreams

“You don’t find love, it finds you. It’s got a little bit to do with destiny, fate, and what’s written in the stars.”

Anais Nin

Message: Gotta move! Gotta GET OUT! Yass Barbra. You found yourself a man who won’t worry ‘bout where you go, a man who won’t ask how you learned what you know. A man who will just let you be free!

Barbra, I’m gonna level with you here. Leaving your man is not going to be easy for him. It’s going to be quite a difficult thing to handle. The Lovers is usually associated with significant and big changes that you have to make. When you have to make a big shift in your life – there’s always some mess that needs cleaning up.

But you’ve arrived at this point because you’ve done your due diligence – that plumber is everything you’ve hoped for and he’s got what it takes to start a stable relationship with. The 4 of Wands confirms that. The Queen of Cups energy is one who’s mastered their emotions when it comes to love. This is a hard choice to make and you know you’re ready to make it.

Yes you’re not one to flit from one love to another, but you know deep down that where you’re even resentful that you have to make this decision as indicated by 4 of Cups. But will the fear of the unknown stop you from experiencing a wonderful love?

Get Grounded calls for you to tune out society’s expectations and listen to your true nature – what do you want? What feels right? Where do you see yourself in a relationship in the next 10 years? How happy will you be if you let this chance slip?

Turn Over a New Page and Follow Your Dreams are so self-explanatory, Barbra. Like I can’t if you need an extra explanation on their meaning. Like I literally can’t.

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