Uggh I’m LATE! Uggh, no reasonable excuse but got distracted.
Like do me a favour, no matter what pile you pick, make sure to read some additional paragraphs I’ve added in Group 2’s singles love section on Twin Flame. Explains my take on the subject so I don’t have to explain myself again in future readings.
Pick Group 1, 2 or 3!
Santa Muerte Tarot: Ace of Pentacles (reversed), Queen of Wands, The Hanged Man, 2 of Pentacles
Tarot of Sexual Magick: Ace of Swords (reversed), 9 of Swords, Strength (reversed), Fool (reversed)
Les Vampires Oracle Cards: Witness
Numerology Guidance Cards: 77
The Numinous Astro Deck: 2nd House
The Wild Unknown Archetypes Deck: The Mother
How not to fuck up your career: With the reversed Ace of Pentacles in your career spread, sis it’s time for a reality check. There’s a distinct lack of inspiration or fire right now when it comes to the direction you’re taking with your career. Why? The Queen of Wands highlights the energy of de-cluttering your emotions and getting right to the root of your issue here.
When Queens show up in a reading, mastery of emotions involving the situation is required. In your case, what’s been causing you to lose sight of your focus and drive? Is Miss Rona thwarting your plans and that sets you off a bit? Are you just generally feeling uninspired by work? Because if this is not addressed, a loss of income can be seen. Sis, seek the Queen’s warning.
The Hanged Man here is asking to take a breather and learn to let go. Perhaps there are some frustrations with your career goals that you’re not able to achieve right now due to circumstances beyond your control. Well, tough titties to you, sir. That’s life. There are times to make bold moves, then there are times to swallow your pride and bide your time. This is one of those moments.
The Hanged Man also appears when there’s an urgent need to sacrifice. Think playing the game even when the rules are NOT to your liking. In this case, sacrifice your ego because the card also means you’ll be going through a period where you’ll be out of your comfort zone and there’s literally nothing you can do but to learn to adapt and regroup your thoughts.
This is especially with the 2 of Pentacles – boredom or feeling of you’ve hit a plateau will be more pronounced. But if you hang in there and do what needs to be done, reward is seen, considering the 2nd House card here is another signifier for rewards and assets. Mawma, this is the least of your concerns. People are getting retrenched left and right. When Miss Rona walked into 2020, all you bitches should just bow down. There’s literally nothing you can do but wait till this bitch is gone.
For those who are out of a job, patience is still required as the Hang Man here indicates that you gotta wait before something good happens. Nothing good is seen coming soon – sorry sis.
How not to fuck up your love life: Yeah, you’re not pairing up with anyone in May. With the Fool in reversed, that’s a no go this month. Get over it. With the 9 of Swords showing up with Ace of Swords in reversed, an element of fate plays a huge part in not pairing you up with anyone here. Gurl, what the hell do you expect? It’s not like people are all up in the club and meeting in times like this.
I gotta be honest with you. The cards are calling out your messiness and this month is all about cleaning house.
The 9 of Swords also is asking you to reflect on your life. It is a time for introspection, self-improvement and seeing things for what they are. They say ignorance is bliss, but I say if you continue to feed your delusions, you’re never going to fix the issue of why love always falls apart with you.
You’re on lockdown, ho. What better time to just look deep inside you and ask: What do I need to change about myself? What fears are holding me back? What prevents me from connecting to someone? Make a list, check it twice and watch like TONS of Iyanla Vanzant videos and werq on yourself.
The Witness card here is asking you to confront your issues head on. It’s ugly and you ain’t got time for that? Well bitch get ready to be a dried up old hag who lives in a tiny apartment with 30 cats.
While you’re at it, look at card 77 and reflect on what is it that you want in love. Forget the romcom bullshit. This is the number of higher awareness and positive change. Make a list of what you NEED in a HEALTHY love, and manifest it. Aren’t you done chasing fuqbois just to get that tingle on your clit? Gurl. Please.
With the Strength card in reversed, take the time to look at your shortcomings. That inner saboteur, whatever you choose to name her, look at that bitch and ask yourself: “Why do I always let my inner saboteur win?” What impulses that you keep giving into when you’re in a relationship or dating that ultimately sabotage your chances at a healthy love connection?
You got a whole month to work on yourself, gurl. Stop giving excuses. The Universe REALLY wants you to make the most of May and work on your shit. Cause it’s tired of receiving your prayers for love when you’re not making it easy for it to send you the love you desire. You issues are like roadblocks. How the fuck is your love supposed to reach you when there are so many obstacles blocking their path?
Get it right.
How not to fuck up your relationship: Let’s talk. Seriously. Talk. You’re both becoming intellectually distant from what you once were and it shows. If you’re partnered and things are feeling a little uninspiring, isn’t it time to cut the weight of past issues and feel like you did when you both were dating?
The Mother card here appears when nurturing is desperately needed. Have you both been neglecting the passion and mental stimulation part of the relationship in exchange for comfort?
Nothing wrong with being comfortable with one another, but love needs tending. With two swords in your love spread, it shows that mental stimulation is on slow decline here. Forget sex and holding hands. What about a good solid talk about stuff beyond each other’s routines?
Both swords cards are not in exalted positions, meaning that they’re more of a warning than confirmation of what you’re doing right. With Ace of Swords in reversed, there’s an energy of “there’s nothing new to discover anymore”. Which of course, is bullshit as indicated by the 9 of Swords. There’s always plenty of things to talk about, discover, discuss and explore – BUT YOU GOTTA MAKE THE EFFORT.
You’d be surprised at the change it’ll bring. You’ll probably be all like “Oh em gee, like who is this person I’m with? He’s like totally more interesting than I thought he would be. Like I don’t even have to think about cheating on him with the plumber.”
Santa Muerte Tarot: 4 of Swords, 6 of Cups, 5 of Cups, Page of Wands
Tarot of Sexual Magick: 4 of Pentacles, Lovers, Knight of Swords (reversed), 2 of Pentacles
Les Vampires Oracle Cards: Outsider
Numerology Guidance Cards: 37
The Numinous Astro Deck: Uranus
The Wild Unknown Archetypes Deck: The Crone
How not to fuck up your career: The good old days are gone, sweetie. It’s easy to get caught up on the What If’s, but like why? If you’re one of the millions who suddenly found yourself being cut off from a steady supply of income, it’s time to look forward and do what is necessary until you get your break.
Perhaps it’s something less severe, maybe it’s your side gig that’s affected. Maybe you got a pay cut instead as your company’s cost-cutting measures. Either way, things are not in a comfortable spot for you and you yearn for things to be better like before. Perhaps the work dynamic in your workplace has shifted and it may not appear to be in your favor.
With the 6 of Cups, there’s an energy of distracting yourself with the past and not dealing with what needs to be done to move ahead. 5 of Cups here suggests that there’s a sense of mourning over what you’ve lost. There’s nothing wrong in being in your feelings. It’s cathartic. It’s liberating, even. But too much of wallowing is not a cute look.
Here’s the thing. With the numerology card 37, there’s an element of divinely enforced time-out. You may not understand why the struggle is necessary right now, but it is divinely ordained for reasons that will be come clear in the future. With the card paired next to Uranus, the energy of change, breakthrough and awakening could mean that you’re meant to do something else but get caught up in the rhythm and safety of your routine.
This time, the Universe is ripping you out of your comfort zone and is forcing you to take a step back to look at what goals or dreams you’ve put on the shelf that need revisiting. The Outsider card here brings forth the energy of gaining strength from isolation. Instead of spiralling out of control over what you’ve lost, perhaps changing your mindset on what positive outcomes this could bring instead will then bring you exactly what the Universe wants you to have.
None of these are comforting messages for someone who’s down and out. Yes, I know. But shit happens. We can choose to move on or we can choose to play victim. I see this as a hidden blessing, actually as there’s a karmic element here that pulls you from your normal cycle and is giving you the chance to take the first step in making necessary changes so your career direction is more aligned with what you’ve always wanted it to be. Yes, sis. The Universe can be a total bitch sometimes doing things to us that we may not comprehend presently, but the Universe is far-seeing. Trust in the decision and put in the effort to go along with this help from the higher power.
The Page of Wands here is the card that encourages you to gather information. When the card appears in a situation that is uncertain, the page represents you. With the cards above, perhaps take this time to look at what change of direction in your career you need, and see if you can take this time to make it happen. Always wanted to make that career switch? Well this is it.
Plot your life ahead. One door closes, look around and see which doors are open for you. Take the advice of 4 of Swords and reflect on what needs to be done next.
How not to fuck up your love life: OMG yes you’re gonna be receiving a text from like a super hot guy who’s totally a 10, with a 12-inch dick and y’all are gonna live happily ever after. LOLOLOLOLOLOL uggh, get real, sis.
The cards bring forth heavy energies of learning lessons, breaking free from the blueprint you’ve set yourself when it comes to love dynamics and REALLY forcing you to analyze your approach to love.
Ok, here’s the deal. There’s definitely an energy of someone coming into your life, or someone you already have your eyes on and are kind of mutually showing interest in. But there’s a catch: With 4 of Pentacles, the object of your affection is either always out of reach/holding his affections tightly and giving you morsels when he wants to, or he’s the type who can be intense but turns out to be more possessive that you think he would be. Either way, sis. It’s not cute.
Listen, this is a general reading, what the fuck do you expect? I read the energies shown before me. Uggh.
Now do you always rush into things? Do you feel like this is the moment where you gotta take what’s in front of you because he checks like 40% of the criteria you look for me a man and is willing to overlook the shortcomings? The Knight of Swords is asking you to kalm yo fucking tits, bitch. Gurl what is you doing?
Your instinct and your intuition are at odds because your impulses WANT what it want. But your higher self is telling you that this isn’t helping you with your spiritual growth. And don’t give me that bullshit Twin Flame journey as an excuse. I’m anti-TF and I think it’s a toxic concept to sell to the masses. Do you ever noticed from the thousands of articles and videos on TF and the dynamic between the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine is always off? I dare you to look at the fucking comments on this subject. It’s always the DF who’s abused, mentally tormented, depressed and taken advantage of while they endure unhealthy behavioral patterns while trying to cling on to their DM.
DMs hoeing around with That Ho Over There (THOT™), while you wait for him to return and put his dick inside you again so you can feel complete is NOT what I would call a healthy relationship dynamic. STOP DISRESPECTING THE DIVINE FEMININITY THAT HAS BEEN BESTOWED UPON YOU BY THE GREAT CREATOR. Fucking Christ. Have you ever asked why is it the DF always has to suffer? Because the concept has been twisted to conform to any lovesick DF who will not move on from a bad dude because they think this is what is expected to happen. GURL, SNAP OUT OF IT. And if you’re a “veteran” spiritualist who disagrees, go fuck yourself. I literally don’t care about what you think of this subject. It’s toxic. PERIODT.
With the Lovers card here, there’s a journey that you have to take. A choice to make. Sure, because this is a Major Arcana, the choice you make is a turning point in the chapter of your life story. Maybe you’ll pursue this love interest and you’ll take away some life lessons that will benefit you in the future. Maybe reading this is enough to embarrass you from making life choices that have caused you pain in the past.
The Crone is a card of maturity and evolving to the best you can be aka becoming The Kween™. The Crone has seen some shit, gotten wiser in the process and learns to listen to her heart and head. In your reading, The Crone is in reversed, suggesting that this part of you when it comes to love, is afflicted. You’re not being very smart right now, sis. Wake the fuck up. Your friends may tell you otherwise because they wanna be nice, but we’re not friends. I don’t owe you shit. Feel free to not read my shit if this offends you, I’m here to deliver a message. Guess what, snowflake? Not every message has to be nice and take into account of your fragile ego.
The Outsider and Time Out cards here suggest the need to not fear being single for a while before you sort out your shit.
By now you’re probably all like, “OH EM GEE, M. You’re always so dark with your readings, like can’t a bitch open up a forecast to read that all is well and I’ll be happy? Like I’m totally upset with you, like I literally can’t. After talking to my Shaman, I feel the need to air my grievances with your style of reading.”
Sure, Jan. Type out all your emotions and feelings about my readings, then spread your thighs and punch yourself in the cunt. I really don’t care. I’m not here to boost your ego, I’m here to put a spotlight on unresolved energies that the Universe tells me are urgent and you need to address so you can actually evolve and be an enlightened individual. But go off, sis.
How not to fuck up your relationship: Have your stepped your pussy up lately? Well hun, things are about to get elevated in your connection! Yay. Uggh. I can’t.
4 of Pentacles here shows that things have been pretty stable between you both. Hurrah, I guess? The energy of the card here is one of structured, measured relationship dynamic. The energy of this card can highlight the energy of being too comfortable in safety and stability that it comes at the cost of everything else that makes a relationship fun.
Nothing bad, but isn’t it time that things get a little exciting?
Your partner – or maybe this is you instead – sure does think so. The Lovers card appear when there’s a momentous movement that requires you both going on a next phase in your connection. Bitch you ain’t ready? The 2 of Pentacles is giving me that vibe of “I can’t handle additional responsibilities right now, sis” but gurl, is it actually bad timing to step things up, or is it because it’s easier to coast in smooth waters?
There’s an imbalance of power seen in this relationship too. Usually when the Lovers is paired with 4 of Pentacles, there’s an energy of stubbornness and controlling issues where one party is refusing to move the status quo. With the Knight of Swords in reversed, it could indicate a lack of open communication to discuss this issue, perhaps due to lack of courage of one party to bring up the subject matter.
With the Uranus in this reading, the Universe is giving this union an extra boost of luck in having a frank discussion on what needs to be addressed to ensure both parties are not stuck in a rut. If you’re the one who’s feeling this way, strike up a conversation. If you feel that all is stable and didn’t feel the need for change, then ask your partner on what issues that they feel like they’re not being considered in this relationship.
Santa Muerte Tarot: Knight of Swords (reversed), Hierophant, 4 of Wands (reversed), 8 of Pentacles
Tarot of Sexual Magick: The World (reversed), Hierophant (reversed), King of Swords (reversed), Ace of Wands
Les Vampires Oracle Cards: Rebellion
Numerology Guidance Cards: 93
The Numinous Astro Deck: Semi-Sextile
The Wild Unknown Archetypes Deck: The Mountain
How not to fuck up your career: You’ve been waiting for something different to happen to your career for a while. In May, the Hierophant promises the possibility of getting the right advice in furthering your career in the right direction!
With two 5 cards in your pile, there’s an underlying energy of disharmony going on on an intellectual and emotional level.
With the Knight of Swords in reversed, there’s a sense of constriction in your current workplace. Perhaps it’s not the organization itself, but the career trajectory you’re in feels limiting and it is leaving you feeling restless and yearning to break out even though perhaps now is not the right time to do that considering what is going on in the world.
Especially with the 4 of Wands here, it shows things are actually not that bad at work, but it’s becoming stagnant. And every day you’re left questioning if there’s more to this that what you’re going through on the daily.
Because of that, the Knight of Swords in reversed is asking you to take a breather and not let your feelings of restlessness take over, resulting in your making impulsive decisions that you will regret later on. Time is what you need even though it seems like your enemy right now, holding you back longer that you’d like.
With the Hierophant here, have you been asking around what your next step is? Because you may be surprised at new revelations that someone with more experience in the field or organization you’d prefer to be in, may bring. Don’t be arrogant, sis. There’s no shame in asking a thousand questions and even asking them to tap into their network and update you should there be any openings that may appeal to you.
Sorry sis, put down those independent women pants and accept that when it comes to this turning point in your career, you can’t fly solo and get what you want by yourself. Perhaps you didn’t want to ask for help because you may want to hide the fact that you’re not as happy in your current workplace as you’d suggest and asking for help may contradict the image you’ve painted for yourself at the moment. Yes the Rebellion card here is giving out a strong stubborn streak to go against the grain, but Rebellion here is about going against ego. Rebel against what is unhealthy for your growth. It could also mean asking for help from people that you may have written off as unable to help you – you’ll never know what they can offer.
With the 8 of Pentacles in reversed, it’s time to take a break from your solo adventure in landing yourself a new gig. Seriously, like it hasn’t been working out well has it? So why be so stubborn?
This month, the energy is one of cooperation. Sure you can go against it but working with the flow of the energy that the Universe is directing will be much easier to achieving your goals. Trust. With the Semi-Sextile card showing up, it reinforces the message that this month is all about openness – ask for help. And you’ll be surprised at how easy doors open up for you.
How not to fuck up your love life: Are you sure you’re single single? Like you’re not letting lingering feelings for people that you’ve fallen out of love with get in the way of being with someone new? Perhaps it’s not a person but a set of beliefs that you find it hard to find someone to measure up against what you want – no, DEMAND.
I mean, the World reversed appears when there’s an energy of being stuck in a chapter that isn’t being closed. Look at the big picture: are you constantly making excuses to return to you on-and-off again love interest in the past? Are you too distracted with a fantasy of what you want in a relationship that nothing interests you after they fail to live up to those high ideals? Have you been ignoring subtle jabs by your friends on your stubborn views on love?
Well, this is a wakeup call. With the Hierophant in reversed, there’s a tendency to cling on to past ideals and experiences that used to work in your favor but has since outlived its usefulness. Think about it – be it a person or a set of beliefs – if it’s working out so well, bitch why the fuck are you always unhappy in love? Lol.
Like I know it’s hard for you to see things the way they care, but like just listen. The King of Swords here is in reversed, indicating that you may have a bit of a roadblock when it comes to objectively taking in criticism and executing the right course of action to make positive change for your life.
The Rebellion card here comes as an advice to break away from the usual way of doing things. Perhaps it’s time you get off your high horse and swallow your pride and realize a change is very much needed.
You best be fixing your shit, bitch. Ace of Wands is hinting at a new love interest popping up in May. Sis, no amount of help from the Universe will help you if you refuse to consciously make the change.
How not to fuck up your relationship: There’s a feeling that someone in the relationship is carrying a burden on their shoulders and it’s taking its toll on the relationship. If it’s you, then hun you need to sort that out asap. If it’s your significant other, then baby, open the door for communication before it festers and turn into something that you both can no longer fix.
You’re on lockdown – it’s not like you both are busy, so why not take the time to touch on the subject?
The World in reversed here signifies someone carrying the “weight of the world” in this relationship, hinting at issues that has been buried and is taking roots to pull both of you down, preventing this relationship from elevating to the next step. When paired with the Hierophant in reversed, this is definitely a past unresolved issue that you both thought could get past but is gnawing on your insides.
With King of Swords here, there’s a sense that it had something to do with missteps or bad decisions made that you both are trying hard to acknowledge but quickly sweep under the rug. Perhaps it’s worth taking another look?
There’s no need to panic though as the numerology card 93 here is indicating that there’s still love and this is not something that will immediately cause the dissolution of the relationship, but letting it linger unaddressed is sure going to cause some bumpy roads ahead.
With the Mountain card in reversed here, you or your partner may probably feel like touching on the subject again may seem like climbing an insurmountable heights and can prove to be exhausting, but trust me when I say that while the journey may seem taxing emotionally, it will be such a welcomed relief once everything is resolved.