He loves me? he loves me…not?

Like 99% of the questions I get for readings are about love. Seriously, I thought I was messy as hell until these heaux be messaging me about all kinds of love issues. Chile, love may be a many splendored things, but it is a bitch to navigate through. Trust.

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Case of the Ex

“Maybe it will work this time”, “He’s changed now”, “I don’t wanna die alone lol”, “That dick was too good for me to let go” – If you’ve succumbed to these delusions about your ex and needs some clarity, this reading is for you.

Pick one of the piles of Locke & Key’s characters: Tyler Locke (Group 1), Bode Locke (Group 2), or Kinsey Locke (Group 3).

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I’m ready to risk it all for the plumber. Help?

Dear M,

God, I’ve been chain-smoking for the past couple of hours, trying to muster the courage to ask you for help. Uggh, don’t judge. Mawma I’m a mess!

I’m in a relationship now but for the past few months, I’ve been thinking about running away with the plumber. Ok hear me out before you judge me, sis! Uggh I’m so emotionally fragile right now, can you not roll your eyes? God you’re such a bitch sometimes. Ok totally kidding, you’re not. You’re amazing.

Anyway, few months ago there was a leak in my basement’s pipes and I hired this random plumber off Google search. I literally searched “plumbers in my area with hot triceps and solid perky ass” and he appeared on the first page, so I contacted him.

OH EM GEE SIS! Like he is like so hot and stuff. Like I can’t. While he was fixing my pipes, mawma when I saw his bulging arms flexing as he is tightening the pipe connectors – chile the pipes weren’t the only thing flooding in the basement.

It was intense. I called him over like 5 times in the first week just to see him cleaning out my pipes. He got the hint and we dated on the downlow for months. Anyway to cut to the chase, 2 abortions later, here I am stumped if I should dump my man for the plumber. Sis, help?

Love, X

Dear Teri Hatcher’s character from Desperate Housewives,

I –

I can’t. Let’s just go straight to the piles.

Are you Lynette Scavo (Group 1), Edie Britt (Group 2) or Gabrielle Solis (Group 3)?

*Applies to anyone thinking about leaving a current relationship for someone new.

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LSD: Life after Sugar Daddy

Uggh. I literally can’t sleep for the past few weeks because tons of dumped sugar babies who’ve mastered the art of telepathy have bombarded me with messages about seeking help in finding their life’s purpose like “Help me M! My sugar daddy has replaced me with a newer model because a cosmically tragic incident has befallen me – I turned 19!”

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