Demons are so hot right now

Dear M,

Shit done hit the fan and I’m majorly screwed now. Your last reading on my situation was right and I should have taken your advice. But my inner saboteur took over and I’ve done mess things up real bad.

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Cosmic CCTV

Sometimes, I just can’t with my powers. Like I’ve been reading cards since I was 17 – but always basic questions from basic bitches (aka my friends) on the usual stuff like “Does he really love me?”, “Will I be happy with [insert name of walking dildo]?”, “I found like 50gb of gay porn on my boyfriend’s laptop, is he gay or am I just too suspicious?”

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LSD: Life after Sugar Daddy

Uggh. I literally can’t sleep for the past few weeks because tons of dumped sugar babies who’ve mastered the art of telepathy have bombarded me with messages about seeking help in finding their life’s purpose like “Help me M! My sugar daddy has replaced me with a newer model because a cosmically tragic incident has befallen me – I turned 19!”

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Stalking by proxy

Dear M,

Uggh. My ex, F, got over me so quickly that he found someone two weeks after we broke up. I’ve consulted various cartomancers/psychics/shamans/witches to ask if they’re on the verge of breaking up so I can swoop in finally be happy and start having a life like a well-balanced person.

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