Case of the Ex

February 11, 2020.Reading time 9 minutes.

“Maybe it will work this time”, “He’s changed now”, “I don’t wanna die alone lol”, “That dick was too good for me to let go” – If you’ve succumbed to these delusions about your ex and needs some clarity, this reading is for you.

Pick one of the piles of Locke & Key’s characters: Tyler Locke (Group 1), Bode Locke (Group 2), or Kinsey Locke (Group 3).

I’m ready to risk it all for the plumber. Help?

February 10, 2020.Reading time 11 minutes.

Dear M,

God, I’ve been chain-smoking for the past couple of hours, trying to muster the courage to ask you for help. Uggh, don’t judge. Mawma I’m a mess!

I’m in a relationship now but for the past few months, I’ve been thinking about running away with the plumber. Ok hear me out before you judge me, sis! Uggh I’m so emotionally fragile right now, can you not roll your eyes? God you’re such a bitch sometimes. Ok totally kidding, you’re not. You’re amazing.

Anyway, few months ago there was a leak in my basement’s pipes and I hired this random plumber off Google search. I literally searched “plumbers in my area with hot triceps and solid perky ass” and he appeared on the first page, so I contacted him.

OH EM GEE SIS! Like he is like so hot and stuff. Like I can’t. While he was fixing my pipes, mawma when I saw his bulging arms flexing as he is tightening the pipe connectors – chile the pipes weren’t the only thing flooding in the basement.

It was intense. I called him over like 5 times in the first week just to see him cleaning out my pipes. He got the hint and we dated on the downlow for months. Anyway to cut to the chase, 2 abortions later, here I am stumped if I should dump my man for the plumber. Sis, help?

Love, X

Dear Teri Hatcher’s character from Desperate Housewives,

I –

I can’t. Let’s just go straight to the piles.

Are you Lynette Scavo (Group 1), Edie Britt (Group 2) or Gabrielle Solis (Group 3)?

*Applies to anyone thinking about leaving a current relationship for someone new.